And now what? My hell is finally over. Or at least on hiatus. I have endured things that I have not words to describe. Trials too many to name, hardships that even I have a hard time grasping. In my wildest dreams I could not have predicted I would go through a time such as this. I would have found it laughable years ago.
And yet, I am faced with yet another challenge. What now? My slate has been wiped clean. My reset button has been pressed. No longer do I have a clear focus on my future, or direction to my steps. Once I knew how it would all play out, how and where I would walk on this road of existence. But no more. That which I though would happen, did not happen, and that which I though never could, did. I find myself directionless and adrift in the sea, waiting for Him to calm my storm. And I am weary. So very weary. I feel drained, beaten, bruised, almost lifeless. As if I just came out of the ring from a 12 round fight I barely survived and don’t yet even know which way is up. I need a rest-bit. To hit the showers, relax, so I can hit the mat again. It goes deeper than that, though: to the very raw feeling of void that overwhelms your mind and senses after going through a physical ordeal like a hard fight or some horrible tragedy. I find my feeling has more in common with those rescued from debris of a fallen building after hours or days spent buried in a tight, dark, horrible place.
I remember once I went spelunking. Several years ago, back in college. The cave was obviously dark, with cold, hard walls tens of feet thick flaunting my inability to escape save for simply following the lightless path forward. After repelling to greater depths, squeezing through tight spaces I never thought I could fit through, after several hours I came up into the world. A green forest, with trees spaced widely but not so wide as to provide an open canopy. It was refreshingly cool and moist, but unlike the cave was fresh and bright. Looking around it felt as if what I was seeing was an illusion. My mind could hardly grasp such a sudden change of scenery, so much so that my mind was blank, gripped with the anticipation of another possible reality shredding through what my senses told me to reveal my presence back in the dark cave.
I find that is an apt analogy for my current situation. I can barely think the words, but more feel the thought asking “Am I really here?” It is said that before you can know where you are going, you must first know where you are. So, I guess now my first goal is when my mind finally accepts that I am really here, to then answer the question “Where is here?”