This is why I need to not watch so much TV. My mind is a flood of thoughts, desperately trying to process the last year of my life and all that occurred. I can only do so when I am alone and all is quiet. At night, before bed, I like to watch TV. I’m addicted to good stories, good plots, so when I find a TV show, movie, or video game that has one, I find it hard to tear myself away. This, unfortunately, wears on into the night, then when I turn it off and go to sleep, my mind turns on a whirs around faster than sometimes I can handle. So, sleep eludes me, and I write just to relieve the pressure built up behind that dam that is my skull.
I had an interesting thought this last week. I tried to think back on my life to identify someone who was encouraging to me. Not just once or twice or occasionally, but consistently. Someone who would frequently encourage me, truly believe in me and tell me I could succeed.
No one came to mind.
My father was overbearing and discouraging, my mother critical and doubtful, my sister defined herself by opposing me, and my now ex-wife was verbally and emotionally abusive. I have had mentors and guides, but they served more to steer than encourage. My friends have usually just wondered why I am so odd and asked why I can’t be more normal. Sure, there have been people that have encouraged me once or twice in the time I’ve known (or knew) them, but only a handful of those come to mind. Few have really believed in me. My former boss at the museum in Albuquerque, a friend from my high school youth group, a mentor of mine in college, my former mother-in-law, and a couple of female friends are the only people in my life whom I think have given me any encouraging words or believed in me at all.
For the most part, I have been my only ally in life. To be honest I sometimes even feel like God isn’t even on my side. I know better than to truly think that but feelings and rational thought don’t always flow in the same direction.
A lot of this stems from my own insecurities, I’m sure. But insecurities are built up from experience, then influence your future actions and relationships which leads to further insecurities. It’s a vicious cycle. I tend to imprint my issues with other people on God. Which isn’t fair, since He does not operate on the same level as us humans. To assume that He operates the same way that humans I have had the unfortunate experience to know is a logical fallacy on my part.
I often wish I could shut myself away from everyone. Live as a hermit. People are chaotic, and relationships of any kind confuse and frustrate me. Despite years of trying I have yet to get a decent grasp on social interaction. People say just to be yourself and people will like you. This was perhaps one of the biggest lies of my childhood. When I act purely as myself people inevitably like me less, not more. I default to not caring what people think of me, which is relaxing and freeing, but also leads to even fewer people wanting much to do with me. Perhaps that is the key to me being more alone: just be myself and I will have the peace and tranquility I get from not having to interact with others.